I don't know what to type here. But I still want to write. *sigh* I feel down, uneasy, sick, confuse... All mix up. I feel like I want to throw all of that from my mouth. Everything is fine now. But I still feel like that. Am I pushing him too hard?

I'm online but I don't know what to do. I was browsing to everyone's blog hoping there's something I can read.

I also confused with which people I can trust. I trust my family and my boyfriend. Friends in real life... Well, my friends, they don't know everything about me. They only know certain things. I can't trust someone easily. Because I had tasted some betrayal. And they attitudes sometimes make me confuse, which one is true?

Sorry for making all of you tired of my entries. And thank you yuRii, fei-chan and Kimmy for your suggestions and concerns! *huggles* I really appreciate that.

*sigh* I don't know what to write now after what I wrote on the previous entries. I need to calm down. All I want to say is just.. God, please don't take him away from me. Please...

I got tagged by Kimmy. Maybe this will cheer me up a bit. Thanks, Kimmy. *huggles*

1. What is your fav chocolate?
White chocolate

2. What is your 3 fav colour?
red, black, white

3. Who is the last person u talked to?
my maid

4. Who is the last person u msged?
him

5. Who was the first person u talked to when u woke up today?
my maid

6. Who is the first person u msged when u woke up today?
him

7. How many msges u recieved when u woke up today?
1

8. Who msged you when u woke up today?
him

9. Who do u wanna talk to now?
him

10. Who do u wanna see right now?
him

11. Why do u wanna see that person now?
i miss him, i need him. so please.

12. What relationship are u with that person u wanna see now?
my bf and will always be.

13. If u could hug someone now. who will it be?
him

14. What are u doing now?
nothing just filling this

15. What colour shirt are u wearing now?
red

16. Are u attached?
attached to what?

17. Anyone u like?
him, just him

18. Who do u like?
*sigh* him

19. What phone are u using?
nokia n76

20. How much money do u have in ur wallet now?
didn't count

21. What do u love looking at?
something which can cheer me up now

22. Who is the last guy u hugged?
him

23. If u can choose to do something now. what would u do?
meet him now

24. How are u feeling now?
down..

25. If u can turn back time 3 times. where will it be?
I want to turn back the time when me and my bf don't have to be apart

26. Who are u thinking of?
him

27. What is the 3 things u want to forget?
bitter memories

28. Who makes u happy?
him, family

29. What is next to you?
my cell phone

30. Last show u watched?
e! news

31. How many people are u talking to now?
none

32. If u can change something in ur life.. what will it be?
I want to change a stupid myth.

33. Do u have pets?
nope

34. What do u feel like eating now?
nothing

35. Who are the 7 people u tag?
just anyone

What do you care about me? You dumped me. You know I NEED YOU. You throw me into the trash can in your heart. You said this is the best way. What? I'm not seeing the truth. What do you care? This is so UNFAIR. You said you're sorry. I don't need that. I don't need your sorry. I need you. I just need you. Please come back to me. I lied that I don't care about you anymore. Please come back. Please...

I love you.

I had HAD ENOUGH.

I don't care about you ANYMORE.

Dammit.

I feel sleepy. ~_~

I'm still helping my dad with the shop. I'm doing nothing much except sitting in front of mom's lappie, online and being a cashier. I haven't understand much about this shop. It's a technical supply shop. There're so many things I need to learn. Since I'm the elder of this family. *sigh*

Dad ever said he will be so happy if I can help him in the shop which mean I don't have to continue in uni. But I want to. I'm studying Japanese in Bina Nusantara University.

Currently, I've been writting alot in this blog. In my old blog, I don't really write much. Lolz. I finally get the mood to write again. Ahh~ don't forget my ficcu. I'm still working on my next chapter. Sorry for the slow updates *bows*

I used to write poems too. But lately, I stopped. I don't know. Maybe my inspiration is gone?

Keita cut his hair again! Much better than the previous one!
I <3 this one! XD

credits to sharon-san in her LJ. *huggles*

My head is killing me. Damn =_=+ Dad asked me to accompany him eat dinner at the new restaurant at the town. But I can't bare my head. I really want to go. Because I'm leaving soon and a moment eating with my Dad won't be happen for a while.

Maybe I'm not good enough in talking. Because everytime I want to express how I feel, it will end up with I'm the one who is at fault. Honestly I always feel guilty to say it sometimes. Because I'm not confident enough. But that doesn't mean you can blame me. I'm a human and I HAVE feelings.

These previous years, I have been believing that being quiet is the best way. But I can't bare to just forget it. It makes me uncomfortable. People around me could sense the uncomfortable in me and said don't be so stiff, just express it. And finally, I got to express how I feel lately. It's good to let it flow from this heart.

But its' not that good in the end. People started to say I'm just thinking about myself. That's not true. Okay, I maybe don't know about your situation. If so, then tell me. Don't just say those things like you don't care. You DO care and mind about it. I want explanation. If you want me to understand you, then make me. Don't just receive it but with an objection in your heart. I'm not saying I don't want to hear about you.

You said you understand about me. Seriously, you ARE NOT~ yet. You want me to understand you and so am I.

I DO care about you. I admit I NEED you. I'm so afraid to lose you. I tried my best to always have you happy be with me. But I just don't feel you are not like that to me.

I know with me writting this, it's just one side feeling. Because I don't know to whom I can tell. I will just write everything here.

I just got back from the airport. Today, my friend Tantri went to Medan, North Sumatra. She went to a univ there. I'm so sad because we don't know when we can see each other again. Maybe this December, or maybe next Chinese New Year.

I'm the one who left in the town now, counting down the days I have left here. Mom is still not home yet. *sigh*

I've seen my univ schedule in the website. I got 2 days holiday in a week. 3 days if you count Sunday. It's good, I love holiday. I only have school from Monday to Thursday. As for Friday and Saturday, I'm free. It's kinda weird some of the student are having lessons on Saturday. I'm so lucky I'm not. Since I don't like my weekend to be interrupted. Maybe the next semester, I will have on Saturday too. Just please don't. =_=

My head hurts. =_=+

And I have a bad news. Mom won't come back home on Saturday. She will but next Tuesday. *bloody cries* And next Friday, I'm going and leave the town. Only 3 days left to spend with mom. *sigh*

I'm sad, very sad. I was crying last night thinking about it. I want to call her and cry as loud as I can to tell her to go home on Saturday. But I couldn't. Well, how cry baby I could be.

Got this tag from Fei-chan's blog.

1.do you ever bite your lip?
yes~ i do.

2. do you have pictures on your walls?
yuph, w-inds. posters and photos. lolz. i'm gonna miss them too when I leave home.

3. have you ever seen anyone picking their nose?
LOL yes i have.

4. do you like country music?
nope. but i don't hate it.

5. how do you peel your orange?
How? are there various kind of technics to peel an orange?

ehh no number 6 O_o

7. could things be better in your life at the moment?
I hope so.

8. have you ever tried to put a huge puzzle together?
yeah~ my life is like a puzzle. XD

9. have you ever been drunk?
Nope

10. did you ever try to cut yourself?
how stupid. I even couldn't stand to see a movie scene like that. X_x

11. do you like clowns?
Not really.

12. have you seen the movie Jaws?
I hate that kind of movies.

13. how do you feel about show offs?
that's human.

14. do you go to the library?
lolz nope

15. are you excited for back to school?
you mean high school? yeah. i miss that moment. but i don't miss the lesson, exams, homeworks, assingments, etc etc. lolz

16. whats your favorite type of energy drink?
I don't really drink it

17. what do you put on your hamburger?
cheese, beef, tomato?

18. do you wish you were older?
I wish the way i am now.

19. do you wish you had magical powers?
That would be cool~

20. if so, what powers?
hummm fly~ so i can fly everywhere i want to go esp JAPAN XD

21. do you eat teddy grahams?
euw nope.

22. does anyone hate you?
maybe.

23. what is your favorite color of eyeliner?
Black is just awesome~

24. have you ever believed in fairies?
maybe when i was a little

25. has a butterfly ever landed on your finger?
nope.

26. do you have your nose pierced?
nope

27. do you know how to multiply?
yeah. but i HATE mathematics.

28. do you know how to divide?
buuuuuuuuuuuuu

30. what is your favorite number?
23 and 16

31. would you rather have braces or glasses?
glassess

no number 32 and 33? O_o;;

34. have you ever seen Coronation street?
Nope.

35. are you missing anyone right now?
yeah

36. who?
my mom. and him.

37. do you have a job?
nope

38. where do you work?
---

39.have you ever stolen something before?
I guess so.

40. what was it?
someone's ice cream in the refrigerator. I think it's my sis' XD

owh yeah~ I don't need your pride. I need your delicacy.

My layout is back to normal. All thanks to Fei-chan who fixed the code! *huggles* you rock girl! XD

Now I'm still helping my dad in his shop. I heard from dad grandma is having an operation with her heart. I haven't know the details yet. I want to text my mom last night, but she's aslept. She said she's tired in her text message before. *sigh* I hope my grandma will be okay *prays*.

8 more days until the day I will leave home. I will bring my pillow I used to use here to there. Seriously, I couldn't have a good night sleep without it. I will bring my doraemon doll too. My mom bought it for me. There're so many things I want to bring. Let's just see if my suitcase fit all of it.

Ahh~ thank you Cynthia-san for listening (or reading? lolz) my story. *huggles*

Damn. Now there's something wrong with my blog layout. I will change it soon if it's still like that. *sigh*

Hello, everyone.



I'm damn bored now. I spent most of the day reading manga. And now there's no manga left to be read. I'm helping my dad with his shop now since mom went to Malaysia this morning. She went there with my aunts and grandma. She brought grandma for treatment too.



Actually I really want to come with her. But I have to help my dad. Since my aunts are with her, I should have nothing to worry about. I'm kinda sad. 11 days left until the day I must go back to Jakarta. Univ starts on 8th September. *sigh* Mom will be back on Saturday. When she's back, 5days left. I know dad's staying home but it's not complete without mom.



Last night, I started to think how far my family will be from me. Call me a cry baby, I don't give a damn. Since I do sad when I have to leave them. Won't you feel the same when you're so far away from the person you love the most? It same goes with our family. *sigh*



In Jakarta, I will stay in my grandma house. There're also my aunt, my cousin and the maids. I stay in a room which located on the top floor. And it's me who the only one stay on that floor.



My grandma's room located on the ground floor, since her legs are killing her when she climb the stairs. So she seldom go to the upstairs. My aunt is busy with her work since Monday to Friday and will be back home at night, sometimes she goes back early too. And my cousin, he is 1 year older than me and he's also in an univ. There're 3 maids for housekeeping.



My campus is pretty far from the house. If you stuck in the traffic, it needs at least 1 hour to get there. It will take a lifetime if the traffic is at its worst. If you didn't get into the traffic, it only needs 15-30 minutes depending which way you choose. Which also mean, you have to get up early. There's a driver who can send and pick me wherever I go so I don't have to worry about transportation.

The facilities living there of course are much more better than renting a room or an apartment, living by yourself. If you do, you have to find something to eat by yourself, go to a campus by foot, go everywhere you want using public vehicle, etc.

BUT~

I have NO freedom.

Dad didn't let me stay by myself. Which mean, I HAVE to stay in that house. I understand his concern. I'm a girl and the elder daughter in my family.

I went there 2 weeks ago for like 10 days to prepare everything for my univ. On the day time, I won't be at that house. I went to the campus, handle several things, hanging out with my friends, meeting my boyfriend. But when I come back, I started to feel lonely. Moreover, since that place is not my own home, I have to act more like a "human". I hope you get what I mean.

Yes there's a driver who can send me wherever I want to go, but there's also a time limit. I musn't go out until night time. Okay I don't ask to let me out until midnight. But please at least the deadline is 9pm. Or 8pm and I will thank you on my knees. I also feel guilty because I borrow the driver and the car from my aunt. *sigh* Since Jakarta is the capital city, the city sure is big and sometimes the location you want to go is TOO far away. You have to imagine how much money to spend for the car's fuel. Ohh and one more, I musn't often go out except univ.

When I'm in that house, I'm spending almost the whole time in my room. I only go out when I need something or there're something. Sometimes I eat my meal alone too. Everyone are busy with themselves.

Grandma always watches some Taiwanese dorama in her room. And I also don't think I have topics to talk with my grandma. Same goes to my aunt. It's not like I never have conversation with them before. But I just feel I can't be myself and have no topics. Ohh don't forget my cousin. Since he's a boy and his hobby is playing online games. I'm not a gamer, seriously.

On the weekend, my aunt usually goes to the mall or everywhere. But sometimes she stays at home too. I know I can go out with her but I prefer with my friends and my boyfriend.
...

I would rather stay by myself. If I feel lonely, there's still friends who live in the same building. Usually, they will be a university student too. Like my other friends. Most of them are staying by themselves and some are staying in the same place. When you got nothing to do in weekend, you can hang out with them or your campus friends. When you feel bored in your room, you can go to others' room to play. Or invite your friends (or lover, lolz) over. You can play all night long. It's pretty risky too since criminal is everywhere. But it's fun, right?

I know I will be pretty busy when my univ starts. But when I get back, I'm lonely.

I'm also worry about my family. Sometimes dad and mom have a fight because they have different point of views. And I'm the only one who always stop them. I know when I left, there're still my sister and brother. But my sister, you can say, maybe she hasn't understand life completely. I also haven't. As for my brother, he's still little. He's just 6 years old.

*sigh*

I don't want to go, honestly. But... I have to.

Happy b'day, yuRii~

Otanjoubi omedetou, ruu-chan! Wish you all the best *huggles*
Love ya, dear~ XD

I texted you, but I got the report pending. Did you change your number? If you did, please do tell me XD

I'm playing poupee now. This site is ROCK! It's very good especially when you're bored as hell. Oh yeah~ Kimmy! I want to pot my poupee in my blog. I pasted the code already, but it's said not found. Do you know why? Hope we can meet online soon! *huggles*

I have to take my sister to the salon to have her hair cut. Seriously, she needs it. But I'm lazy to go out today *lays flat on the floor*
Ahh~ Today is Saturday right? I love Saturday~

I'll take my leave then~ Bye bye!

Konnichiwa~ *jumps out*

Okay~ I finally can sleep last night but it's not a good one, since my back hurts. =_=
Ahhhh~ I don't want to go to Jakarta next month! I don't want to live my sweet hometown! Nothing better than our own home! *cries*
But i have to go. Heck yeah. I need to continue my study. Uh huh. *sigh*

Got this tags from fei-chan's blog. Fei-chan! Where are you? Miss you so XD

1. Are you dating the person you text most?
my bf?? yeah~

2. Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?
pretty cute if my girl friend call me that. but it's not cute or anything if my bf calls me that O_O

3. What do you want right now?
watch w-inds. concert!!!

4. Who was the last person of the same sex you shared a bed with?
mummy~

5. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
mineral water

6. Do you drink milk straight from the carton?
euw nope

7. What does your last incoming text message say?
i forgot

8. What was the last song you listened to?
hummm w-inds. - Stay

9. What's irritating you right now?
hummm nothing in particular

10. What did you do last night?
online. crawling on my bed.

11. Do you swear at your parent(s)?
NOPE

12. Do you like anyone now?
yes, i do

13. When was the last time you lied?
a few moments ago

14. Do you miss your ex?
no frigging way

15. Pick a scar on your body, how'd you get it?
hummm~

16. What are you excited for?
nothing really

17. What do you want to do when you got out of high school?
i'm already out from HS and now gonna continue to univ. i don't want to gooo~

18. Have you ever had your heart broken?
yeah

19. Do you curse?
sometimes

20. What are you currently listening to?
w-inds. songs

21. Do long distance relationships actually work?
yeah. if we trust each other

22. What's the first thing you would do with five million bucks?
go to Japan, save it XD

23. What did your last outgoing text message say?
woo kehh~

24. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
bargain hunting XD

25. What was the last thing you bought?
hummm i forgot

26. Do you use an alarm clock?
sometimes. my cell phone alarm

27. Where are you?
here

28. Next thing you'll spend money on?
idk

29. Whats the first thing you notice on the SAME/OPPISITE sex?
appeareance

30. Is cheating ever okay?
NOPE

31. Do you want someone you can't have?
I did.

32. Which of your friends do you argue with most?
hummmm

33. Who is the last person you kissed and when?
lolz

34. What radio station(s) do you listen to?
i seldom listen to the radio

35. Are you afraid of the dark?
YES

36. Do you miss someone today?
yes

37. Do you still have pictures of you & your ex?
nope. what for?

38. Last person who told you your problems were going to be okay?
hummmm~

39. What are your plans for tomorrow?
still don't know yet.

Uwaaaaaaaaaah~ Okay i'll go now =_=

Minutes after midnight.

I couldn't sleep. =_=

Guess why? Well, there's something bothering my mind. *sigh* But couldn't tell what it is.

I guess it's just part of my bleahh~

Anyone? Still awake?

Kimmy~ I remembered my promise last month XD
you tagged me XD and i will do it now ^^ *huggles*

1. What are your goals/dream?
-> Okay. I'm kinda embarassed to say this. I want to be a singer! lolz (Yeah I know my voice is very very standard =_=)

2. The most happiest thing in your life?
-> ehh? hummm.. I'm very glad to have my family ^^ They're the best family ever! I love you guys! muackss~ XD Ohh~ and my boyfriend. I'm very grateful to have you ^^

3. Favourite colour?
-> RED! also black, white, green, orange, silver~

4. Do you have a crush now? How did you meet each other?
-> nope. i don't have a crush ^^

5. Where do you wish to go the most? Why?
-> JAPAN!!!! Oh man~ I really want to go! I adore JAPAN~ that's why i want to go~

6. What is your weakness that you can't stand the most?
-> errr... loneliness.

7. What will you do if you face something sad?
-> I cry. But trying to hide it so no one can see my tears.

8. Most afraid to lose?
-> my family, him, friends

9. What is the practical target within this 5 years?
-> achieve my goals, graduate from univ, be a better person, be a success person~

10. Ask yourself, do you like yourself?
-> Hell yeah~

11. Favourite song?
-> w-inds.! I love them to death~ I also listen to other Japanese songs. ^^ owhh and western too.

12. What weird things that you wish to happen?
-> errr.. nothing i guess.

13. What age do you wish to live until?
-> I will let God decide.

14. You hate which typer of people the most?
-> backstabber, traitor, busy body, someone who likes to make a fun of a person. just go to hell. yeah.

15. Are you satisfied with your life?
-> I'm trying.

16. What do you wish to do the most now?
-> dancing, singing.

17. Prefer to be alone of within a group?
-> sometimes i enjoy myself alone. but i can't stand loneliness. so i need accompany too.

18. If you can have a wish, what will you wish for?
-> go to watch w-inds. concert. TT^TT desperately~

19. If God will give you one thing and take away another, what do you think it will be?
-> Let me go to Japan as many times as I want and take away my sadness~ lolz

20. Have you found yourself?
-> slowly, but surely ^^

The five people I wish to know more about :
anyone~ ^^

Kimmy, I've done my homework! XD

Happy b'day to Akira~!

He's already... 20 years old! lolz
He's in the same age as my boyfriend XD owh~ and my boyfriend just celebrated his b'day last 17th August XD

Kimmy~ maybe i can't online tonight >w< My mom asked me to accompany her to the mall. Maybe tomorrow we can chat? *huggles* I HEART poupee! lolz XD

I'm bored to death. =_= I woke up at 10:30am today. I found myself like a piggy now. lolz~ Anyway, there're still 20 more days until my univ starts. I'm enjoying my time here in my hometown. Unlike that capital city, Jakarta. I live in my grandma's house. Which mean, NO FREEDOM. Hell yeah. =_=

I spent my time sitting in front of my computer and playing poupee. I found this fun site from Kimmy's blog XD Kimmy! When you find me online, please PM me! lolz

Okay, I will shut up for now. =x= Did you see the picture above? Keita FINALLY cut his hair! YES! Well, it's been a while since he cut it. ^^;
I saw the part of w-inds. Seventh Ave concert. I want to see the full live tour!
Nyaaaa~

Bye for now! *waves*

Konnichiwa~

Hello, everyone. This is my first entry. Well, this is not my first time blogging. I have an old blog in blogdrive and decided to make a new one. And you're reading it now XD

I love this skin very much. Thanks to DancingSheep for this! ^^

You will find my entry in Indonesian sometimes. So please don't be angry to keep reading this. ^^;

I think that's it for now. I will write more about my bitter sweet life.

Bye for now~